Eight Years On.
•|Trigger warning.|•
The
following contains adult content, adult language, my experience with physical, mental,
verbal, and emotional abuse, and mental health struggles. Reader discretion is
advised.❤
🌱
It’s been over for 8 years. And only this past weekend did I realize what actually happened during and maybe most importantly, in the aftermath.
During the relationship, I was so secretive. I didn’t
let on to anybody what it was like living in that house. The hell that was
daily life. I knew deep down that if my family knew what I was going through,
they would have pulled up, packed my shit, and brought me home.
- this being one of the first acknowledgements of my
abusive relationship with myself -__-
Each day was unpredictable in the worst way. Anger, outbursts, and verbal, mental and emotional abuse from both of them. I was living with a grenade
surrounded by land mines.
When it ended, my family now in the loop, I was unable
to have anyone talk badly about them. I couldn’t accept hearing the truth. It
wasn’t the truth for me.
It took me *literal* years to move on. Even when I was
eventually able to accept the reality of the situation. I could never
understand why.
It was only this past weekend that it hit me. Trauma
bond.
The repeated abuse, the daily depreciation and feeling
unable to let go had me completely stuck in a loop.
This had honestly never occurred to me. Back then, I
had never even heard of trauma bonding but now I am aware, it makes so much
sense.
I’m now travelling down a rabbit hole of healing and accepting
that I did what I could given the circumstances at the time. And that’s okay.
Thank you for
stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo
Please take care of yourself, you are so important and deserve the world 🌍
As always, sending
you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖
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https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can...
Swapping One Abuser For Another
•|Trigger warning.|•
The following contains
adult content, my experience with mental, verbal and emotional abuse, substance abuse, and mental health struggles.
Reader discretion is advised.❤
🌱
I’ve replaced one form of abuse with another.
For the first time in my adult life, I am free. Totally
and completely free. I was caged in for so long but now, the cage door is open, and I can leave without any worry of consequences. What a concept!
Since I turned 18, I have been in abusive
relationships. They may differ in their type, but they have been abusive
nonetheless. Since I ended my last abusive relationship, I have had time to myself,
have found a loving partner and generally have the freedom to do whatever my
heart desires. But that hasn’t happened.
It may sound ~sick~ but the unhealed, traumatized parts
of me, miss the abuse. Maybe that’s too honest, but it’s my truth (and it may
be something you need to hear).
So now I have created my own cage.
I began smoking. For obvious reasons, it’s terrible for my
health but the potential effects on the MS? Nah.
It’s been going on for so long now that it is a full-blown
addiction
- lol. not lol at all
Now I find myself in quite the predicament :
Care about myself enough to make an effort to quit
smoking. Resulting in better health and slowing the progression of MS.
Care about myself enough to cut out a form of
self-inflicted abuse.
So basically, it’s the same old problem = lack of self-care/worth/love.
Unfortunately, this post doesn’t hold the answers (I
wish). But I am hoping that in addressing the issue, I cannot continue mentally
ignoring it.
Thank you for
stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo
As always, sending
you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖
•♡•
https://checkpointorg.com/global/
All this sacrifice and for what? | steps to healing
In a conversation with a co-worker, they mentioned how other people at work like me. Which they then corrected to "most people".
For the rest of the chat, all my mind was fixated on was the fact that not everyone likes me. It made me feel sad to think that there are people around me that don't like me. I started thinking - why not? what's wrong with me? what did I do wrong? I bend over backwards for others. Often ignoring my own needs to make sure they have a good day so what more can I do?! Round and round the spiralling went. When the conversation was over, I thought "I don't like every single person I know so..." which then lead to me criticising myself for being a 'mean person' for not liking every single person 100%.
But why did I take it so personally? While I am a flawed and unperfect person taking such things so personally is a daily occurrence for me. And this is - as I'm sure you can imagine - painful and exhausting. In the back of my mind I have always had a thought that if you do good, you are owed good. It started from a young age as - Treat others the way you wish to be treated - but it then morphed into some kind of self-torture. Where, if I am not exhausting myself, neglecting myself or making sure everyone is happy other than myself, then I am a bad person.
How can a good person be gifted with good things? Where is the penance?
I have wanted to
know for so long why I am the way that I am. That’s a pretty vague way of
putting it but in truth, I have struggled my whole life with thinking the way I do,
and I’ve never known why. Logic dictates that if you’re repeating a
behaviour/thinking style that is having an undesirable effect on you and your
life, you change it. But try as I might I’ve never been able to get to the root
issue.
Heaven’s reward fallacy.
manifests as a belief that one's struggles,
one's suffering, and one's hard work will
result in a just reward."
- positivepsychology.com
What is it? In basic terms, it is a cognitive distortion. And a cognitive distortion is – "Research suggests that people develop cognitive distortions as a way of coping with adverse events. The more prolonged and severe those adverse events are, the more likely it is that one or more cognitive distortions will form." While I do suffer from other cognitive distortions, Heaven’s reward fallacy is definitely the one that affects my life the most – and not in a good way. I had an amazing childhood. I felt loved and had all the makings of what a child loves. However, I was witness to another person's inner struggles and suffering. While living with poor mental health is difficult, seeing someone you love more than anything go through it feels so much worse when you are a child. Things I heard and saw affect me to this day. It was traumatic and the healing is ongoing. I began to take it personally if I weren't able to pull them out of their dark times. I would feel failure when I did everything I could possibly think of to show that person love and to see it solve nothing. I think this was the beginning of a belief system starting: Give 100% to everyone around me and don't focus on myself. That's what 'good' people do.
Sacrifice and self-denial are old companions of mine. They have been with me for as long as I can remember. Even as a child I would struggle with thoughts that if I do x, y and z, then that means I am a good person. I have always felt the need to seek out the 'proof'. When I have been in abusive relationships there was always an undercurrent of me feeling like if I endured all this pain, something amazing will come my way. If I am still kind, understanding and loving to people who treat me like shit, then that proves that I am a good person and therefore will be rewarded positively in some way. How dangerous. In all seriousness, I have tolerated such disgusting behaviour from people just to confirm to myself that I am in fact a good person.
Withdrawels | steps to healing
For months – I mean months, I had been in so much pain. I hid it all away from everyone. Making my family worry is something that I never want to do so I bottled it up. At times the lid would start to lift off but then I would screw it back on tight. I begged to have the strength to let him go. To be able to move on with my life, move forward. It had gone on for far too long. I pleaded to the universe to give me the strength I needed to let go. He was an ongoing reminder of all the pain I had (and still was) enduring. I hadn’t had the strength to completely walk away and remove him from my life. While I had had enough, the discomfort was familiar. The turbulence was habitual. It was part of my everyday life. It was routine at this point. For about two years of my life, the mind-numbing misery was pretty much the only thing that was consistent. It was a constantly open wound.
Then one day, he
was gone. I would never* see him again.
And while this
feels somewhat peaceful, somewhat calming, I am also feeling empty. Upon
reflection, I have come to realise that it isn’t him that I am missing, it’s
the suffering. The constant rollercoaster of emotions. Leaving an abusive
relationship is much like withdrawal from a substance(s). Seriously. Look it up.
Feelings of failure?
Shame?
Guilt?
So now that this huge part of my life is
gone, is it any wonder that I’ve been feeling a lil’ funky? Nay. Believe me, when I first read that leaving an abusive relationship could cause withdrawal much like that of giving up an addictive substance I was floored. There was finally an answer to the question that had been plaguing me for so long: Why do I miss the relationship? It isn't logical to miss it. But it was never him or the relationship I missed, it was the chemical imbalances that that relationship had created. And I had been exposed to them for so long that the lack of them felt almost unbearable.
What happens now?
It feels as though I am re-learning how to just 👏 live 👏 my 👏 life 👏. To live life without having to feel like someone else’s emotions are my responsibility. Without having to be ten steps ahead of another person in order to feel that something bad won’t happen. In order to feel safe. Learning to live my life without the perpetual abuse, the unceasing cycle of destructive behaviour and abandonment of self.
When I started findingnoo, one of my main goals was to be able to find all parts of myself. To get to know me better and create a beautiful, loving and accepting relationship with myself. To become understanding and have an unbreakable bond with me. In being in this relationship and others, I have put my life on hold. I have put my recovery on the bottom of my list and have created an existence where I am of service to everyone but never have the time for myself.
At this time I am feeling a mixture of hope and anxiety. I feel like I have been freed from prison. I served my time (even though I didn't need to) and I can now live the life I was always meant to live. And I will do what I always planned to do: document my healing journey on here and other platforms in the hopes that I can help anyone who is or has been in a similar situation.
*You know, never say
never but the likelihood that I will see him again? V e r y low.
Confronting My Abuser | steps to healing
I don’t know what came over me. It was a normal day, I was doing what I do as I always do it but something was different. I was suddenly filled with courage, anger and with determination. I spoke my truth.
I laid it all out in front of him. I told him how he had made me feel. I explained that I had given him everything I could possibly think of: money, my body, my love, my attention and nearly even my life. And it was still never enough. I let him know how all of this made me feel, how it still makes me feel.
Throughout I had a swirly feeling in my stomach. Saying these things that felt so overdue, out loud, to him… It was surreal. It felt like word vomit but in an articulate, calm and - somehow - polite manner. He, on the other hand, seemed nonchalant and as if he weren’t hearing the words coming out of my mouth. His lack of response/reaction to the horrors I was sharing completely stunned me.
When we were seeing each other, he often seemed like he couldn’t care less about me and my feelings but he still managed to shock me by his lack of displaying regret upon hearing the pain he has caused me. Since being apart I have often blamed myself for everything that happened. I would remove all blame from him and make him seem to be innocent.
In the past, I had said many of these things to him but it felt like this time I had conviction. Every word had been processed over and over in my mind. It was as if this was a scripted speech. I had been feeling like something had to give. I wasn’t sure what needed to be done but I knew it was something.
Afterwards, I almost cried. Not from fear or regret. Tears of joy. I was, and still am, incredibly proud of myself. I stood up for myself in a way that reflected who I am, a calm, caring and respectful person. There was no ill-will or bad feeling on my part, I just needed on a soul level to shed. I needed to shed that part of my story and begin my journey to healing.
🌠I was fortunate to be able to have the safe space to do this in. I wouldn’t recommend every person in a similar situation do the same. If you aren’t in a completely safe place and in the right mindset it could be very dangerous.
Coming Home.
I remember the goal.
The goal was to get well enough to be able to get a job. To push the OCD back and far away enough to be able to have a 'normal' life. Well, I achieved it. It took blood, sweat, guts and too many tears to count but my god did I do it. I looked OCD in the face and told it to fuck off. I mentally listed everything it had taken from me. The opportunities I had missed, the life I had been unable to live. I sat one day flooded in tears saying aloud “I hate you. I HATE YOU”. I had blocked the hoover with tissue that I was too afraid to pick up. I had to practically dismantle the thing to sort it out, which lead me to think that it would have been so much easier and less time consuming to have just picked the stupid tissue up in the first place. I was filled with rage. And for once it wasn't aimed at me, it was aimed directly to the correct culprit, the OCD. Having that thing to directly place the blame on became my bullseye. Something to aim towards – or in my case, head directly away from. The OCD became my enemy. It had deprived me of so much that how else could I have looked at it? That mentality worked in my favour. With consistent, hard work I was able to turn my life around. I actually began living again.
"My story is not a sad story; it's a real one.
It's a story about a girl who fought through a storm she thought would never end."
-hannah blum
Within the first three months of starting my job I was unhappy. I felt like I had no time for myself, no time to work on myself. I feel that a person needs to be constantly working on themselves. I believe that who I am is ever evolving and my education of myself will never be finished. Working ate into my 'me' time. I felt like I was growing further and further away from myself and as a result, my recovery. I never believed that getting the job would be the last piece of the puzzle but I never expected it to cost me anything. I never thought it would take pieces of the puzzle away from me. Over the last two or so years since I've been working, I have been in and left an abusive relationship, been diagnosed with symptoms of eupd and feel like I have grown further and further away from myself with each month that has passed. Even when I feel there is something to aim for I have looked the other way and in doing so have worsened my relationship with myself.
I haven't re-focused.
Even though I have three whole days off a week all to myself I still haven't made the time to get back to my recovery. Each day I push it to the back of my mind. I fill my free time with watching true crime videos on YouTube which, lets face it doesn't exactly bring a person joy. Or I listen to sad songs that remind me of bad times. Or I isolate myself and sit in my room ruminating my negative feelings rather than focus on the good in my life. I think when I had a clear enemy to focus on it made it (somewhat) easier to push forward. The OCD was a cut a clear opponent with whom I was eventually able to defeat. Now I feel aimless. I think about it all the time. I can't find the goal. It feels like there's a big bullseye looming over me but it's just out of reach.
I think I spent so much time worrying that I have no goal that it completely eluded me... Me. I'm the goal. Working on myself has never felt like work. It has filled me with pride, motivation and enthusiasm. The first day I walked out of my house when I was home alone gave me a feeling of complete euphoria. I was on top of the world. When I am working on myself I am driven. Coming home to myself is a direction that feels more than right. It feels familiar and exciting all at the same time. I am back on track to findingnoo.
"I have traveled through madness to find me"
-danny alexander
Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo
As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖
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Waiting for an apology that will never come
I spoke to him.
My ex-abuser.
I told him about that one specific time and how what he did to me would constitute sexual assault.
He looked at me blankly.
No apology.
I described what he did to me that day.
Somehow I managed to describe it without the gory details.
Giving just enough information to jog his memory.
He couldn't remember.
No apology.
All he added to the conversation was that I had freaked him out by saying that I could have reported him for what he had done.
He didn't ask how I am/how I've been dealing with it etc.
No apology.
Since what happened I have been plagued with flashbacks.
Now when I think of him it is one of the first thoughts I have.
But for him? He didn't even remember it happening.
No apology.
For months I have been in a prison. Remembering that day and many others when he would be abusive.
I'm still able to be brought to tears when thinking of that year of torment.
Him on the other hand? Doesn't even recall how he treated me.
No apology.
His life has continued on as normal.
He is still on the same path in his life.
All of his plans and relationships haven't been tainted.
He isn't looking for red flags when surrounded by others.
He's happy.
He is still the whole person he was.
His family haven't had to see him breaking down.
No apology.
There is a huge blank space within me and I feel like that part of me is still there in that hotel bathroom. Too jarred to produce tears. Feeling afraid and weak. I believe when I left the hotel room that day, I left a huge piece of me sitting there. She has been trapped there all this time. In a constant loop of not knowing what to do. Feeling used and broken. I can feel her sitting there alone. Crying. She can't find the key card to exit. Her stomach is in knots. She can see his marks on her body. She's showered but still feels incredibly filthy. Empty stomach. Mind full of dread and disgust. The guilt I feel for leaving her behind is intense. But how do I go back and rescue her only to tell her that I have continued to make the same mistakes? I imagine reaching out my hand to her and her cowering away from me. And I honestly cannot blame her. At every point I chose him over me. I put his needs first. I created a world in which I was invisible to everyone – including myself.
I have overwhelming feelings of pain and anger towards myself. After everything he put me through, it's me who I'm mad at.
It's my apology to myself that I am waiting for. Even to this day.
Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo
As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖
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Guilt / My Companion
In December of that year I - reluctantly and somewhat unwillingly - walked away. Throughout our time together there had been flags of all kinds of colours. Which I pushed to one side every time. The way in which he spoke to me, about me and how he treated my soul and body wasn't okay. To put it lightly. But he kind of reminded me of someone. Me. The words he would use, the lack of consideration for my thoughts and feelings. His callousness with my emotional well being, the body that I live in and my mental health. It all felt familiar. Close to home. I feel on some level he was able to see what little regard I had for myself and used that as his benchmark. It makes me assess other relationships I have had and how there is a common under current to how I am treated.
Since then I have been on the journey working on healing. I have had racing thoughts, endless questions to which I have largely been trying to push to one side. However, this past week I have been pestered and left wondering...
I have been sent living mirrors. People who have as little regard for me and my feelings as I do, several times, for me to then simply be ignorant to the message.
Looking back at my life as a whole there is a consistent pattern. I believe that if I put up with anything and everything I have in a way 'paid my dues'. If I have been badly mistreated that means something amazing will come my way. Maybe if I allow myself to be treated like crap then I will be rewarded. It's like I'm working off a debt that doesn't exist. AND If there isn't someone in my life treating me badly you best believe that I will personally fill that position. I have been a willing and active participant in my overall mistreatment. All because I believed that I deserved to be struggling, miserable and filled with guilt.
I actually thought the other day: why am I punishing myself? What have I done that I need to make amends for? I had zero answers. That isn't me saying I'm perfect, I've never made a mistake in my life or that I'm some kind of angel because - p-lease 👀 - Perfect doesn't exist, we've all made mistakes but punishing yourself? Achieves nothing. Sure, if, for example, you hurt someones feelings : apologize and move forwards. What more can a person do? I literally walk around as if I owe the world an apology just for being here. I feel like my existence is a burden.
Over the last few months I have given myself a bit of space and it has provided me with some clarity. In a video I watched the other day, the speaker said that you may be in an abusive relationship with a toxic person but you are toxic too... To yourself. Man did my jaw hit the floor. In truth, I feel that the guilt I feel is valid but perhaps not in the way I have always believed. I feel guilt over allowing myself to be used, abused and neglected by others but mainly, by me. I feel that I do owe an apology but only to myself. The pattern I have been living my whole life is toxic, it keeps me very small and makes me a doormat in every way imaginable. How could this serve anyone?? I'm living proof that it doesn't. Not at all.
In all honesty I think I used to 'blame' it on the beliefs I had with regards to religion. If I am the nicest, purest, kindest, un-selfish person in the world then surely I will be in Gods good books. It sounds a little ridiculous and sad to me now realizing that this is how I have lived my life. From as young as I can remember I have always stifled my complaints, my needs and qualms with regards to others and the world. Truly believing that if I ask for nothing I will be rewarded everything. And that isn't in a manifesting kind of way. Eg: I will exude positivity and positivity will return to me. More like: Asking for anything is bad, needing things are selfish. If I am as selfless as can be, only good can come of it. SPOILER ALERT that's a crock of shit. Anything but good has come from living this narrative.
I have lived each day as if I am locked in a prison cell.
I am the prison guard, the prisoner and the warden. All of whom are keeping their eyes on me, making sure I tow the line. The slightest resistance to feeling that I deserve better/more and I am reprimanded. Whether by removing enjoyable things from my life, creating a severe depressive episode or by isolating me from anyone and everyone. I am fully prepared for when I need to be punished but I am never ready to do the opposite. To have an understanding that life is what I make it and by continuing this seemingly never ending loop, I am, each day, reinforcing that the way I think is correct and that there is no need to change it.
My belief system has kept my world small, tiny, even. Resulting in me never striving for more. Never having goals or aspirations. I am left feeling like I don't really know who I am. Who am I without people pleasing? Who would I be if I were able to remove the unnecessary guilt that I carry with me constantly? What kind of life would I be living if I didn't always shun myself for daring to reach out my hands and ask for more? Without my guilt who the hell am I? I wish I could tell you. Stripping away all of the trauma, the programming, the laws that I force myself to live by, what could possibly be left? I feel like I cling to my guilt as if it were my best friend. It is knitted into who I am. The thought of losing a part of yourself is kinda scary - even when it is a negative part. Take one step out of your makeup routine and boy will you notice it. Take away a piece of yourself? Who knows what ramifications will occur.
Piece of the Puzzle
So I was today years old when I found a rather large missing piece of me that has been bugging me for a really really long time.
My OCD has been playing up big time lately. Over the past year it has been creeping quietly back in but the past month or so it had been particularly bad. So I did what I always do.... Research. I took to YouTube and searched. The first thing that popped up was a video that was a therapists thoughts on how OCD is really PTSD. It kind of felt like something clicked in me. It made me start thinking about the possible link between my disorder and my (undiagnosed) PTSD and how it made a whole lot of sense to me that they could be connected. I let it steep in my mind for a couple of days and then we arrived at today.
Today was my second day off in a little while where I have spent time alone. I started my day as I begin most.... Watching Tiktok for an obscene amount of time
- trying to correct this habit as i'm not 12 and have adult responsibilities -__-
and I came across a video of someone talking about the 'fawning' response to trauma. A little while back I read up about different responses to trauma and I discovered that I fall under the fawning category. Seeing the Tiktok video made me pause. Could there be a link between my current OCD struggles and the trauma I have faced over the past year?
So this afternoon I pulled out my laptop, made a tea and grabbed some snacks and began further researching. I googled fawning and from there I learned a whole lot about myself. I read an article all about what fawning is and how it manifests and how it may project itself. With every sentence I read it was like reading my autobiography. Every word was like the writer was able to read my mind and had put it into words. Things that I have struggled for years to verbalise were right on front of me. For example, I used to think I was 'just' a people pleaser but it goes much further than that. I constantly ignore my own needs to conform to what I believe others expect of me.
What hit me was this: While I may react to trauma with the fawning response, I am always in the fawning state. It never stops. I believe it has woven itself into me. There are connections between my OCD and the fawning response.
Fawning is brought by the attempt to avoid conflict and trauma by appeasing people.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – compulsive behaviours can help you avoid difficult feelings. An obsessive-compulsive behaviour pattern can occur when your flight response becomes engaged.
So what now? A gigantic piece of my puzzle had just slotted in, but how do I adapt? How do I give myself the reassurance that I am safe. That it's okay for me to have a different opinion on things. That I no longer need to be living in a fawning state. I am not on this planet to conform to what I think is acceptable to everyone else. I need to give myself permission to be myself and accept who she is.
Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xo
As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖
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Losing You To Love Me.
The thought of leaving has been something that has been spinning through my mind. It has literally been tormenting me. I have nightmares about it. It's as if even my subconscious has been screaming at me “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN PICK YOURSELF FOR ONCE!!”. I pride myself on my strength, my determination and my ability to roll with the punches. But running into fists is a completely different thing. I've had to stop and really think about what it is that I am doing. How does it make me feel? What am I gaining out of this? Could I be happier? I have taken my time to really find what I really want moving forwards. I am so incredibly happy to be working, to be working where I am and having achieved all that I have to date. I am choosing myself and am going to continue to while working.
I think when I began working I wasn't fully prepared for all that would be coming my way. While others may not even have to think about switching off when they get home from work, it is something that I find difficult. I struggle to differentiate between 'work life' and 'everything else life'. For *literal* years I have said that I need to prioritize myself, to choose myself and over the last year and a half, I have to be honest, I haven't really tried to. I never really have. But now that I know a million percent that this is the kind of life I want to be living - working while prioritizing myself and my mental health - I feel ready to r e a l l y try my hardest to make it a reality.
my biggest relapse>>my biggest breakthrough
Or
I could tell you about what I learned from it all... And that's what I'm gonna do.
Too often I dwell on the negative. I let it control my feeling towards a situation and then completely take over - usually resulting in me relapsing. But this time feels a little different. While being in the dark scares me beyond belief, when I was in it, I understood that it wasn't going to last forever.
This part wasn't small either! My brother suggested it was like the relationship between Golem and Smeagle. A very nasty voice that would engulf me in darkness and make me believe that I was all alone.
I was having a pretty standard day today and while doing something that required no brain power, my mind wandered. And all of a sudden it came to me.
What I realized was that the part of me that I have always blamed for dragging me back, loves me and is scared. I think it is trying to protect me.
Part of the story line was the mother wants to protect her children from the dark world and in doing so attempts to do the unthinkable. She loves them more than anything and just wants them to be safe. (I'm not condoning this behaviour in the slightest, it just allowed me to have an insight into my own thinking)
It hit me on so many levels. It also made me think. In doing so I made a connection between what I had seen and my relationship with myself.
But I don't believe that anymore. I think when I am moving forwards, my mind reminds me of the bad times as a way of supporting me. Like "this could happen again, have you thought this through?" and "be careful". Trying to teach me how to use past mistakes or problems as a way to learn and keep going. It isn't a negative voice at all. It's an encouraging one.
I have always been looking after everyone which has at times left me feeling secluded. But I never would have thought that there was someone invested in me, watching over me, caring unconditionally: Me. I have been fighting for years to find a way to build a relationship with myself and all along there has always been a solid foundation inside me.
At times when I have felt completely alone, like no one in the world understands me, I had me. And I believe that maybe why it seemed to be so aggressive was because it was screaming out for me to listen to it. "I'm trying to help you!" "I'm trying to love you dammit".
It astounds me to think I ever thought of it as a negative part of my life. To think that I felt it was restricting me sounds crazy to me. I am beyond grateful. If it were another person I would feel forever indebted to them, while I do feel that, I think the only way to show true appreciation is to give that part of me room to grow. Nurture it and allow it to nurture me.
2am. tears, realizations and hot chocolate.
Well, the hot chocolate is calling. toodles! Xoxo
- the one edit i am making is that i watched the perfect man on netflix. which was a fantastic decision, as always ✌
Realizing That I've Slipped | Update on my Mental Health
All The Deets On My Mental Health
I have a hard time believing otherwise.
Recovery whilst feeling this way is incredibly difficult to say the least, but I am trying to persist.
So that's pretty much the ins and outs of my mental health.
With each of the above mentioned issues I struggle with, it has been a learning curve.
Since being diagnosed, I have looked back and been able to see that some illnesses have been with me for quite some time, under the radar.
I wasn't always as constrained as I am now and that gives me hope for the future :)
Baby steps.
