Piece of the Puzzle

23 Nov

Written By Nicola

So I was today years old when I found a rather large missing piece of me that has been bugging me for a really really long time.

My OCD has been playing up big time lately. Over the past year it has been creeping quietly back in but the past month or so it had been particularly bad. So I did what I always do.... Research. I took to YouTube and searched. The first thing that popped up was a video that was a therapists thoughts on how OCD is really PTSD. It kind of felt like something clicked in me. It made me start thinking about the possible link between my disorder and my (undiagnosed) PTSD and how it made a whole lot of sense to me that they could be connected. I let it steep in my mind for a couple of days and then we arrived at today.

Today was my second day off in a little while where I have spent time alone. I started my day as I begin most.... Watching Tiktok for an obscene amount of time

- trying to correct this habit as i'm not 12 and have adult responsibilities -__-

and I came across a video of someone talking about the 'fawning' response to trauma. A little while back I read up about different responses to trauma and I discovered that I fall under the fawning category. Seeing the Tiktok video made me pause. Could there be a link between my current OCD struggles and the trauma I have faced over the past year?

So this afternoon I pulled out my laptop, made a tea and grabbed some snacks and began further researching. I googled fawning and from there I learned a whole lot about myself. I read an article all about what fawning is and how it manifests and how it may project itself. With every sentence I read it was like reading my autobiography. Every word was like the writer was able to read my mind and had put it into words. Things that I have struggled for years to verbalise were right on front of me. For example, I used to think I was 'just' a people pleaser but it goes much further than that. I constantly ignore my own needs to conform to what I believe others expect of me.

What hit me was this: While I may react to trauma with the fawning response, I am always in the fawning state. It never stops. I believe it has woven itself into me. There are connections between my OCD and the fawning response.

Fawning is brought by the attempt to avoid conflict and trauma by appeasing people.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – compulsive behaviours can help you avoid difficult feelings. An obsessive-compulsive behaviour pattern can occur when your flight response becomes engaged.

So what now? A gigantic piece of my puzzle had just slotted in, but how do I adapt? How do I give myself the reassurance that I am safe. That it's okay for me to have a different opinion on things. That I no longer need to be living in a fawning state. I am not on this planet to conform to what I think is acceptable to everyone else. I need to give myself permission to be myself and accept who she is.

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖