All I ever wanted...

In recent years I have noticed just how codependent I have been in my relationships.

In each relationship that I have been in, whether they are serious or what some may call a "situationship", I have put 110% of myself into them. I'd remember all of the little details, try my best to make their lives as easy as possible, do pretty much whatever they wanted in the bedroom and just basically have them as my every waking thought. I made another person my 

e v e r y t h i n g. The reason I got up in the morning, the reason I would go to work. Why I would make the choices I made, have the opinions I had. I moulded myself into whatever they required and was happy to do it.

"Codependency: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner,

typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction."

- Google

So when a relationship would end I was left with this grand canyon size hole in my life. I'd look around and didn't even recognise myself. I felt completely lost and lonely. It may sound cliche but you are who you are spending forever with and throwing yourself away for another person once, twice, a million times just leaves you broken and empty whether the relationship ends or not. Because, believe me, even when it lasts, that doesn't necessarily mean it's good. Subjecting yourself to the pain and maintaining a relationship where you are used and, quite possibly, abused is something that should never be an option. BUT. As someone who has been there and is still learning from the physical and non-physical wounds, I feel your struggle to my very core. 

Alongside not being able to recognise who I was anymore and having abandoned myself on every level the loneliness went deeper than that. I think on some level I felt that if I were connected to my 'faith' I wouldn't have been able to continue doing the stuff that I was doing. For example, I felt I was unable to pray because I was ashamed of my actions and also didn't want to fully address or acknowledge the behaviour I was acting upon... Especially to a higher being/beings that only want what's best for me(?!)

"I truly think codependency is the result of

not having a solid relationship with God.

The more codependent my relationships were, the more weak my connection/relationship with God was.

Hence I was making another person my "god"."

- @nu_mindframe

Every time I was thrown away, discarded by someone who was my very being, on a soul level I was left feeling incredibly secluded. And it is completely your prerogative whether you believe in a God or the universe, spirit, angels, guides, source or anything - For me, I truly believe that when you make another person more important than yourself, you are distancing yourself from your connection to who you are and in effect, your guide(s). My faith has changed as I have aged which I think is natural, but every time I have hit that lowest of low it is my need for connection that hurts the most. And not in the sense of a hug, or a coffee chat with a friend. A deep, meaningful, warm ally. 

Growing up I believed in God and Jesus. I never went to church and it was only my father who had his faith while my mother felt she was agnostic. Religion was something that was never forced upon me, I was given the room to believe in what I felt drawn to. During the hardest times in my life, I was pulled to pray, the act of saying aloud what I was struggling with and asking for help felt therapeutic. When my life fell apart, subconsciously my faith drifted further and further away from me. It wasn't that I was blaming God, it's just that I think my faith in anything disappeared.  

"What kills a soul?

Exhaustion, secret-keeping, image management.

And what brings a soul back from the dead?

Honesty, connection, grace."

- Shauna Niequist

Then one day way back in 2017 (pre-work, pre-mental breakdown...pre-2020 if you can imagine that) I just started looking up my star sign. At that time I was a Capricorn full stop. Then I started learning about natal charts and that there was more than just your 'star sign'. It was like I had just entered wonderland. My eyes had been opened to a whole world of acceptance. Where I had a sign for my sun, a friggin moon sign and whatever the hell a stellium is?! I wanted more. I'm still learning about my own natal chart, what my Mercury sign means for me and whether I'm more drawn to Tropical or Sidereal astrology BUT. I find such comfort in all of it. I then got into tarot, spirituality and crystals. 

-let me tell ya, it was one slippery slope 😅

The feeling that someone/something believes in me - especially when I have no belief in myself - fills me with such comfort. To be honest with you, I'm not my biggest fan so I need all the hype crew I can get. Finding myself connecting with the Universe, angels, guides, God, spirit felt incredibly soothing. All I have ever wanted was connection. I always thought that that would be with another person i.e a romantic relationship, but I've come to understand that while that is wonderful, what I was in desperate need for was a relationship with something bigger than myself. Having a feeling of safety, assurance and comfort. Feeling as though I am loved and cared for no matter what, that there is a plan for me and that I'm not just here to simply exist has really filled a huge gap in my life. 

I've noticed that when I distance myself from, well, myself, I am blinkered in some ways. I find angel numbers to be scarce and reaching for my tarot cards or reading my month ahead interpretations become nearly non-existent. When I am not looking inward I feel like a danger to myself. I am reckless with my actions, careless with my emotions and well and truly don't give a damn about myself.  As sick and warped as it sounds, at these times I miss having someone controlling me. Ordering me to do whatever they want, telling me how to do absolutely everything. I feel aimless and unable to simply live my life. I would say that this year I have really begun to step into my faith. Believe me, I am in the first, wobbly, baby steps, but at least I am on the journey. Now when I think about all I've been through, and the lessons I have learnt, I am able to find some comfort in my confidence that I am being watched over lovingly. 

It has taken a great deal for me to get to where I am now. And I feel that I can look back now and see that I was never really alone. 

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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Piece of the Puzzle

So I was today years old when I found a rather large missing piece of me that has been bugging me for a really really long time.

My OCD has been playing up big time lately. Over the past year it has been creeping quietly back in but the past month or so it had been particularly bad. So I did what I always do.... Research. I took to YouTube and searched. The first thing that popped up was a video that was a therapists thoughts on how OCD is really PTSD. It kind of felt like something clicked in me. It made me start thinking about the possible link between my disorder and my (undiagnosed) PTSD and how it made a whole lot of sense to me that they could be connected. I let it steep in my mind for a couple of days and then we arrived at today.

Today was my second day off in a little while where I have spent time alone. I started my day as I begin most.... Watching Tiktok for an obscene amount of time

- trying to correct this habit as i'm not 12 and have adult responsibilities -__-

and I came across a video of someone talking about the 'fawning' response to trauma. A little while back I read up about different responses to trauma and I discovered that I fall under the fawning category. Seeing the Tiktok video made me pause. Could there be a link between my current OCD struggles and the trauma I have faced over the past year?

So this afternoon I pulled out my laptop, made a tea and grabbed some snacks and began further researching. I googled fawning and from there I learned a whole lot about myself. I read an article all about what fawning is and how it manifests and how it may project itself. With every sentence I read it was like reading my autobiography. Every word was like the writer was able to read my mind and had put it into words. Things that I have struggled for years to verbalise were right on front of me. For example, I used to think I was 'just' a people pleaser but it goes much further than that. I constantly ignore my own needs to conform to what I believe others expect of me.

What hit me was this: While I may react to trauma with the fawning response, I am always in the fawning state. It never stops. I believe it has woven itself into me. There are connections between my OCD and the fawning response.

Fawning is brought by the attempt to avoid conflict and trauma by appeasing people.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – compulsive behaviours can help you avoid difficult feelings. An obsessive-compulsive behaviour pattern can occur when your flight response becomes engaged.

So what now? A gigantic piece of my puzzle had just slotted in, but how do I adapt? How do I give myself the reassurance that I am safe. That it's okay for me to have a different opinion on things. That I no longer need to be living in a fawning state. I am not on this planet to conform to what I think is acceptable to everyone else. I need to give myself permission to be myself and accept who she is.

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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