What happens when you achieve your dream?
In 2018 after months and months of hard work, pain, and tears - oh so many tears - I beat back OCD to the point where I felt capable to reach for my dream. I applied for a job and I got it. I was flooded with elation. After being trapped at home for four long, painful years, unemployed and imprisoned by my mental illness, I had been able to achieve a dream that had kept me driven for so long.
So what happens when the goal is achieved? Well, it's three years later, still at that job and feeling unmotivated and backsliding. As someone who strives for perfection and is plagued by the need to be accepted by others, it is very difficult for me to feel even a little bit happy while at work. I hold myself to a very high standard so when I don't meet them, I chastise and punish myself. I do the same when I don't meet others' expectations. It's a very vicious cycle - believing I have the ability to provide 100% all of the time to everyone is not only unrealistic but is also damaging to my mental health. It's also crushing my spirit.
The feeling of achievement slipped away some time ago.
Within the first three months of working, I reduced my hours and was feeling unhappy. I had managed to film two videos in that time and was grossly disappointed with myself. My mental health was already deteriorating and I had begun to fall back into old patterns. By my fourth month working, I was involved in an abusive relationship which had me keeping secrets and behaving in ways that didn't align with myself. The combination of the "relationship" and work had me in a downward spiral in all aspects of my life.
I looked for pictures of myself during this time but there aren't any.
That speaks volumes to me.
At work I feel unappreciated and like my efforts are somewhat pointless. Unfortunately, that has seeped into my personal life. I have been completely unmotivated in all aspects of my life and feel as though I am on some kind of un-energetic auto-pilot. I feel that since I have been working I have come to the realization that perfection isn't possible. And rather than that being something positive, something freeing, it has been the thing that hurts me. If I can't have perfect mental health, what's the point? If I can't be praised for the hard work I do, what's the point? If others won't appreciate me, what's the point? My need to be accepted by everyone masks the fact that I am unwilling to accept myself. I search for acceptance from others as I find it too difficult and in some ways selfish, to focus on myself.
Before I started my job I was the closest I have ever been with myself.
My relationship with myself was blossoming. I was becoming aware of my emotions, accepting of my difficulties, and fighting for my dreams and goals. My recovery was my main focus. When I started working, I lost a lot of time due to the shifts which was the first bump along the road to my unravelling. On my days off I was/am absolutely exhausted and had/have zero energy to do anything. Over time the person I was in 2018 - pre-work me - was a very distant memory. I remember one day angrily thinking "I can't have it all!". I signed up for my dream, my dream was to have it all. The job, the great relationship with myself, good mental health, money, free time, hobbies, and continuing with my writing and YouTube channel. In truth, out of that list, I can't really tick any of them as done.
By pushing myself to over-extend when it comes to others, I have paid the ultimate price - My relationship with myself. In needing others' constant approval, it shows me that I have returned to a point where I no longer accept myself. As a result, my need for others' validation is pretty much a constant craving.
While quitting my job sounds delightful and I can pack my rucksack in a heartbeat... It's just not feasible (for obvious and not so obvious reason). So what can I do?
Well, I'm trying to make incrimentle changes. I am taking my breaks. I do with those what I like - writing, editing, watching Netflix, hanging out with my girlfriend... Whatever👏I👏like👏. I have started to wake up a little earlier on work mornings. Giving me enough time to wake up slowly, make a cup of tea and chat to my girlfriend. I have also started meditating, stretching and dancing in the morning (real talk - I haven't done this routine since just before Christmas but going to be changing that very soon!). On some days off when I am feeling like shit, I am trying any way. I get glam, take pictures, film a video etc. I am trying not to hold everyone else's opinion higher than my own when it comes to myself and my life. That is a really hard one, but I'm trying.
I am trying to learn from the past version of me who wanted it all and made it happen. She was amazing.
Thank you for
stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo
As always, sending
you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖
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All this sacrifice and for what? | steps to healing
In a conversation with a co-worker, they mentioned how other people at work like me. Which they then corrected to "most people".
For the rest of the chat, all my mind was fixated on was the fact that not everyone likes me. It made me feel sad to think that there are people around me that don't like me. I started thinking - why not? what's wrong with me? what did I do wrong? I bend over backwards for others. Often ignoring my own needs to make sure they have a good day so what more can I do?! Round and round the spiralling went. When the conversation was over, I thought "I don't like every single person I know so..." which then lead to me criticising myself for being a 'mean person' for not liking every single person 100%.
But why did I take it so personally? While I am a flawed and unperfect person taking such things so personally is a daily occurrence for me. And this is - as I'm sure you can imagine - painful and exhausting. In the back of my mind I have always had a thought that if you do good, you are owed good. It started from a young age as - Treat others the way you wish to be treated - but it then morphed into some kind of self-torture. Where, if I am not exhausting myself, neglecting myself or making sure everyone is happy other than myself, then I am a bad person.
How can a good person be gifted with good things? Where is the penance?
I have wanted to
know for so long why I am the way that I am. That’s a pretty vague way of
putting it but in truth, I have struggled my whole life with thinking the way I do,
and I’ve never known why. Logic dictates that if you’re repeating a
behaviour/thinking style that is having an undesirable effect on you and your
life, you change it. But try as I might I’ve never been able to get to the root
issue.
Heaven’s reward fallacy.
manifests as a belief that one's struggles,
one's suffering, and one's hard work will
result in a just reward."
- positivepsychology.com
What is it? In basic terms, it is a cognitive distortion. And a cognitive distortion is – "Research suggests that people develop cognitive distortions as a way of coping with adverse events. The more prolonged and severe those adverse events are, the more likely it is that one or more cognitive distortions will form." While I do suffer from other cognitive distortions, Heaven’s reward fallacy is definitely the one that affects my life the most – and not in a good way. I had an amazing childhood. I felt loved and had all the makings of what a child loves. However, I was witness to another person's inner struggles and suffering. While living with poor mental health is difficult, seeing someone you love more than anything go through it feels so much worse when you are a child. Things I heard and saw affect me to this day. It was traumatic and the healing is ongoing. I began to take it personally if I weren't able to pull them out of their dark times. I would feel failure when I did everything I could possibly think of to show that person love and to see it solve nothing. I think this was the beginning of a belief system starting: Give 100% to everyone around me and don't focus on myself. That's what 'good' people do.
Sacrifice and self-denial are old companions of mine. They have been with me for as long as I can remember. Even as a child I would struggle with thoughts that if I do x, y and z, then that means I am a good person. I have always felt the need to seek out the 'proof'. When I have been in abusive relationships there was always an undercurrent of me feeling like if I endured all this pain, something amazing will come my way. If I am still kind, understanding and loving to people who treat me like shit, then that proves that I am a good person and therefore will be rewarded positively in some way. How dangerous. In all seriousness, I have tolerated such disgusting behaviour from people just to confirm to myself that I am in fact a good person.
Withdrawels | steps to healing
For months – I mean months, I had been in so much pain. I hid it all away from everyone. Making my family worry is something that I never want to do so I bottled it up. At times the lid would start to lift off but then I would screw it back on tight. I begged to have the strength to let him go. To be able to move on with my life, move forward. It had gone on for far too long. I pleaded to the universe to give me the strength I needed to let go. He was an ongoing reminder of all the pain I had (and still was) enduring. I hadn’t had the strength to completely walk away and remove him from my life. While I had had enough, the discomfort was familiar. The turbulence was habitual. It was part of my everyday life. It was routine at this point. For about two years of my life, the mind-numbing misery was pretty much the only thing that was consistent. It was a constantly open wound.
Then one day, he
was gone. I would never* see him again.
And while this
feels somewhat peaceful, somewhat calming, I am also feeling empty. Upon
reflection, I have come to realise that it isn’t him that I am missing, it’s
the suffering. The constant rollercoaster of emotions. Leaving an abusive
relationship is much like withdrawal from a substance(s). Seriously. Look it up.
Feelings of failure?
Shame?
Guilt?
So now that this huge part of my life is
gone, is it any wonder that I’ve been feeling a lil’ funky? Nay. Believe me, when I first read that leaving an abusive relationship could cause withdrawal much like that of giving up an addictive substance I was floored. There was finally an answer to the question that had been plaguing me for so long: Why do I miss the relationship? It isn't logical to miss it. But it was never him or the relationship I missed, it was the chemical imbalances that that relationship had created. And I had been exposed to them for so long that the lack of them felt almost unbearable.
What happens now?
It feels as though I am re-learning how to just 👏 live 👏 my 👏 life 👏. To live life without having to feel like someone else’s emotions are my responsibility. Without having to be ten steps ahead of another person in order to feel that something bad won’t happen. In order to feel safe. Learning to live my life without the perpetual abuse, the unceasing cycle of destructive behaviour and abandonment of self.
When I started findingnoo, one of my main goals was to be able to find all parts of myself. To get to know me better and create a beautiful, loving and accepting relationship with myself. To become understanding and have an unbreakable bond with me. In being in this relationship and others, I have put my life on hold. I have put my recovery on the bottom of my list and have created an existence where I am of service to everyone but never have the time for myself.
At this time I am feeling a mixture of hope and anxiety. I feel like I have been freed from prison. I served my time (even though I didn't need to) and I can now live the life I was always meant to live. And I will do what I always planned to do: document my healing journey on here and other platforms in the hopes that I can help anyone who is or has been in a similar situation.
*You know, never say
never but the likelihood that I will see him again? V e r y low.
Confronting My Abuser | steps to healing
I don’t know what came over me. It was a normal day, I was doing what I do as I always do it but something was different. I was suddenly filled with courage, anger and with determination. I spoke my truth.
I laid it all out in front of him. I told him how he had made me feel. I explained that I had given him everything I could possibly think of: money, my body, my love, my attention and nearly even my life. And it was still never enough. I let him know how all of this made me feel, how it still makes me feel.
Throughout I had a swirly feeling in my stomach. Saying these things that felt so overdue, out loud, to him… It was surreal. It felt like word vomit but in an articulate, calm and - somehow - polite manner. He, on the other hand, seemed nonchalant and as if he weren’t hearing the words coming out of my mouth. His lack of response/reaction to the horrors I was sharing completely stunned me.
When we were seeing each other, he often seemed like he couldn’t care less about me and my feelings but he still managed to shock me by his lack of displaying regret upon hearing the pain he has caused me. Since being apart I have often blamed myself for everything that happened. I would remove all blame from him and make him seem to be innocent.
In the past, I had said many of these things to him but it felt like this time I had conviction. Every word had been processed over and over in my mind. It was as if this was a scripted speech. I had been feeling like something had to give. I wasn’t sure what needed to be done but I knew it was something.
Afterwards, I almost cried. Not from fear or regret. Tears of joy. I was, and still am, incredibly proud of myself. I stood up for myself in a way that reflected who I am, a calm, caring and respectful person. There was no ill-will or bad feeling on my part, I just needed on a soul level to shed. I needed to shed that part of my story and begin my journey to healing.
🌠I was fortunate to be able to have the safe space to do this in. I wouldn’t recommend every person in a similar situation do the same. If you aren’t in a completely safe place and in the right mindset it could be very dangerous.
