Eight Years On.
•|Trigger warning.|•
The
following contains adult content, adult language, my experience with physical, mental,
verbal, and emotional abuse, and mental health struggles. Reader discretion is
advised.❤
🌱
It’s been over for 8 years. And only this past weekend did I realize what actually happened during and maybe most importantly, in the aftermath.
During the relationship, I was so secretive. I didn’t
let on to anybody what it was like living in that house. The hell that was
daily life. I knew deep down that if my family knew what I was going through,
they would have pulled up, packed my shit, and brought me home.
- this being one of the first acknowledgements of my
abusive relationship with myself -__-
Each day was unpredictable in the worst way. Anger, outbursts, and verbal, mental and emotional abuse from both of them. I was living with a grenade
surrounded by land mines.
When it ended, my family now in the loop, I was unable
to have anyone talk badly about them. I couldn’t accept hearing the truth. It
wasn’t the truth for me.
It took me *literal* years to move on. Even when I was
eventually able to accept the reality of the situation. I could never
understand why.
It was only this past weekend that it hit me. Trauma
bond.
The repeated abuse, the daily depreciation and feeling
unable to let go had me completely stuck in a loop.
This had honestly never occurred to me. Back then, I
had never even heard of trauma bonding but now I am aware, it makes so much
sense.
I’m now travelling down a rabbit hole of healing and accepting
that I did what I could given the circumstances at the time. And that’s okay.
Thank you for
stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo
Please take care of yourself, you are so important and deserve the world 🌍
As always, sending
you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖
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•♡•
https://checkpointorg.com/global/
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can...
Swapping One Abuser For Another
•|Trigger warning.|•
The following contains
adult content, my experience with mental, verbal and emotional abuse, substance abuse, and mental health struggles.
Reader discretion is advised.❤
🌱
I’ve replaced one form of abuse with another.
For the first time in my adult life, I am free. Totally
and completely free. I was caged in for so long but now, the cage door is open, and I can leave without any worry of consequences. What a concept!
Since I turned 18, I have been in abusive
relationships. They may differ in their type, but they have been abusive
nonetheless. Since I ended my last abusive relationship, I have had time to myself,
have found a loving partner and generally have the freedom to do whatever my
heart desires. But that hasn’t happened.
It may sound ~sick~ but the unhealed, traumatized parts
of me, miss the abuse. Maybe that’s too honest, but it’s my truth (and it may
be something you need to hear).
So now I have created my own cage.
I began smoking. For obvious reasons, it’s terrible for my
health but the potential effects on the MS? Nah.
It’s been going on for so long now that it is a full-blown
addiction
- lol. not lol at all
Now I find myself in quite the predicament :
Care about myself enough to make an effort to quit
smoking. Resulting in better health and slowing the progression of MS.
Care about myself enough to cut out a form of
self-inflicted abuse.
So basically, it’s the same old problem = lack of self-care/worth/love.
Unfortunately, this post doesn’t hold the answers (I
wish). But I am hoping that in addressing the issue, I cannot continue mentally
ignoring it.
Thank you for
stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo
As always, sending
you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖
•♡•
https://checkpointorg.com/global/
Why Don't You Love Me?
You don’t have to treat me poorly as others have. You don’t need to disregard me as if I am unimportant. I am here for every beat of your heart, every thought you have, every breath entering your lungs. I’ve been there for every heartbreak and all the beautiful times. I’ve felt your tears roll down your cheeks, your mouth aching from so much smiling. I am your vessel, and I am asking you why? Why won't you turn your giving, kind, loving nature inward? What’s the use of doling it out when it leaves nothing left for yourself? We’ve begged for crumbs from others but now I am begging you for so much more. I want more. I know you’re perfectly capable of giving, now please, give it to yourself. I’m so sick of waking up and living the same day every day thinking, that tomorrow will be the day I make the change. Out of the 15ish years of feeling like this, that has happened on zero days. I will go to the end of the earth for anyone else, please, it’s time to do it for us.
With love,
Your inner self (little you, your soul, your highest
self and all the love and light within us)
xoxo💟
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Comparison.
My last public post was on January 29th this year. If that doesn't show the headspace I've been in I don't know what does.
At the end of last year, I was getting up early every work day to have enough time to meditate, script, stretch my body and dance. Looking back, I don't really recognise the person I was nor the mental space I was in. I was motivated to wake up early before a 12-hour shift, four times a week just to have this little routine. My mind was different on the days I did this compared to the days I had skipped it. Believe me, I wasn't all 'love and light, peace and butterflies' on the days that I had carried out my routine, but I just felt different. Calmer maybe? My tarot and Oracle decks were being used regularly. After every shift, my partner and I would sage each other after our showers.
I mean I can go on and on about the me of then compared to the me of today, in a way, shaming myself. Comparison can be effective, sure, but when it comes to someone who struggles with their mental health, life issues, work bullshit and just generally being an adult in 2022, comparison can be your arch-nemesis. Being on a growth journey is notoriously tricky. You've seen the memes right?? Growth isn't linear. It has its ups, downs and static moments. That's part and parcel of it all. Sometimes you go backwards, which can be incredibly heartbreaking and discouraging. You've come this far just to return a few steps back or to where you started. Trying to be the person I was when I look back and think 'this was when I was at my peak' is useless. I'm not that person anymore. We've been through so much shit, trauma and heartache since then. We've evolved - whether we acknowledge that or not. Maybe a tweak is necessary? Finding what works for the me of today.
Learning to care for myself, you know be a little kinder and understanding. Not compare myself to them, Kim Kardashian or even myself. Living in this world where you get to see the highlight reel of everybody's life is exhausting. Checking in with myself each day may be something more achievable to work towards a realistic expectation of my life. Who knows, one day I may be doing a very similar morning routine to what I used to do. But for now? It's too far away. And that's okay.
POV : I didn't plan this post. Getting out my laptop to go on Pinterest and ignore myself and my thoughts is a frequent occurrence. But I opened up my notepad and began typing.
...
Thank you for
stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo
As always, sending
you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖
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All I ever wanted...
Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo
As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖
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Coming Home.
I remember the goal.
The goal was to get well enough to be able to get a job. To push the OCD back and far away enough to be able to have a 'normal' life. Well, I achieved it. It took blood, sweat, guts and too many tears to count but my god did I do it. I looked OCD in the face and told it to fuck off. I mentally listed everything it had taken from me. The opportunities I had missed, the life I had been unable to live. I sat one day flooded in tears saying aloud “I hate you. I HATE YOU”. I had blocked the hoover with tissue that I was too afraid to pick up. I had to practically dismantle the thing to sort it out, which lead me to think that it would have been so much easier and less time consuming to have just picked the stupid tissue up in the first place. I was filled with rage. And for once it wasn't aimed at me, it was aimed directly to the correct culprit, the OCD. Having that thing to directly place the blame on became my bullseye. Something to aim towards – or in my case, head directly away from. The OCD became my enemy. It had deprived me of so much that how else could I have looked at it? That mentality worked in my favour. With consistent, hard work I was able to turn my life around. I actually began living again.
"My story is not a sad story; it's a real one.
It's a story about a girl who fought through a storm she thought would never end."
-hannah blum
Within the first three months of starting my job I was unhappy. I felt like I had no time for myself, no time to work on myself. I feel that a person needs to be constantly working on themselves. I believe that who I am is ever evolving and my education of myself will never be finished. Working ate into my 'me' time. I felt like I was growing further and further away from myself and as a result, my recovery. I never believed that getting the job would be the last piece of the puzzle but I never expected it to cost me anything. I never thought it would take pieces of the puzzle away from me. Over the last two or so years since I've been working, I have been in and left an abusive relationship, been diagnosed with symptoms of eupd and feel like I have grown further and further away from myself with each month that has passed. Even when I feel there is something to aim for I have looked the other way and in doing so have worsened my relationship with myself.
I haven't re-focused.
Even though I have three whole days off a week all to myself I still haven't made the time to get back to my recovery. Each day I push it to the back of my mind. I fill my free time with watching true crime videos on YouTube which, lets face it doesn't exactly bring a person joy. Or I listen to sad songs that remind me of bad times. Or I isolate myself and sit in my room ruminating my negative feelings rather than focus on the good in my life. I think when I had a clear enemy to focus on it made it (somewhat) easier to push forward. The OCD was a cut a clear opponent with whom I was eventually able to defeat. Now I feel aimless. I think about it all the time. I can't find the goal. It feels like there's a big bullseye looming over me but it's just out of reach.
I think I spent so much time worrying that I have no goal that it completely eluded me... Me. I'm the goal. Working on myself has never felt like work. It has filled me with pride, motivation and enthusiasm. The first day I walked out of my house when I was home alone gave me a feeling of complete euphoria. I was on top of the world. When I am working on myself I am driven. Coming home to myself is a direction that feels more than right. It feels familiar and exciting all at the same time. I am back on track to findingnoo.
"I have traveled through madness to find me"
-danny alexander
Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo
As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖
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Waiting for an apology that will never come
I spoke to him.
My ex-abuser.
I told him about that one specific time and how what he did to me would constitute sexual assault.
He looked at me blankly.
No apology.
I described what he did to me that day.
Somehow I managed to describe it without the gory details.
Giving just enough information to jog his memory.
He couldn't remember.
No apology.
All he added to the conversation was that I had freaked him out by saying that I could have reported him for what he had done.
He didn't ask how I am/how I've been dealing with it etc.
No apology.
Since what happened I have been plagued with flashbacks.
Now when I think of him it is one of the first thoughts I have.
But for him? He didn't even remember it happening.
No apology.
For months I have been in a prison. Remembering that day and many others when he would be abusive.
I'm still able to be brought to tears when thinking of that year of torment.
Him on the other hand? Doesn't even recall how he treated me.
No apology.
His life has continued on as normal.
He is still on the same path in his life.
All of his plans and relationships haven't been tainted.
He isn't looking for red flags when surrounded by others.
He's happy.
He is still the whole person he was.
His family haven't had to see him breaking down.
No apology.
There is a huge blank space within me and I feel like that part of me is still there in that hotel bathroom. Too jarred to produce tears. Feeling afraid and weak. I believe when I left the hotel room that day, I left a huge piece of me sitting there. She has been trapped there all this time. In a constant loop of not knowing what to do. Feeling used and broken. I can feel her sitting there alone. Crying. She can't find the key card to exit. Her stomach is in knots. She can see his marks on her body. She's showered but still feels incredibly filthy. Empty stomach. Mind full of dread and disgust. The guilt I feel for leaving her behind is intense. But how do I go back and rescue her only to tell her that I have continued to make the same mistakes? I imagine reaching out my hand to her and her cowering away from me. And I honestly cannot blame her. At every point I chose him over me. I put his needs first. I created a world in which I was invisible to everyone – including myself.
I have overwhelming feelings of pain and anger towards myself. After everything he put me through, it's me who I'm mad at.
It's my apology to myself that I am waiting for. Even to this day.
Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo
As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖
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Guilt / My Companion
In December of that year I - reluctantly and somewhat unwillingly - walked away. Throughout our time together there had been flags of all kinds of colours. Which I pushed to one side every time. The way in which he spoke to me, about me and how he treated my soul and body wasn't okay. To put it lightly. But he kind of reminded me of someone. Me. The words he would use, the lack of consideration for my thoughts and feelings. His callousness with my emotional well being, the body that I live in and my mental health. It all felt familiar. Close to home. I feel on some level he was able to see what little regard I had for myself and used that as his benchmark. It makes me assess other relationships I have had and how there is a common under current to how I am treated.
Since then I have been on the journey working on healing. I have had racing thoughts, endless questions to which I have largely been trying to push to one side. However, this past week I have been pestered and left wondering...
I have been sent living mirrors. People who have as little regard for me and my feelings as I do, several times, for me to then simply be ignorant to the message.
Looking back at my life as a whole there is a consistent pattern. I believe that if I put up with anything and everything I have in a way 'paid my dues'. If I have been badly mistreated that means something amazing will come my way. Maybe if I allow myself to be treated like crap then I will be rewarded. It's like I'm working off a debt that doesn't exist. AND If there isn't someone in my life treating me badly you best believe that I will personally fill that position. I have been a willing and active participant in my overall mistreatment. All because I believed that I deserved to be struggling, miserable and filled with guilt.
I actually thought the other day: why am I punishing myself? What have I done that I need to make amends for? I had zero answers. That isn't me saying I'm perfect, I've never made a mistake in my life or that I'm some kind of angel because - p-lease 👀 - Perfect doesn't exist, we've all made mistakes but punishing yourself? Achieves nothing. Sure, if, for example, you hurt someones feelings : apologize and move forwards. What more can a person do? I literally walk around as if I owe the world an apology just for being here. I feel like my existence is a burden.
Over the last few months I have given myself a bit of space and it has provided me with some clarity. In a video I watched the other day, the speaker said that you may be in an abusive relationship with a toxic person but you are toxic too... To yourself. Man did my jaw hit the floor. In truth, I feel that the guilt I feel is valid but perhaps not in the way I have always believed. I feel guilt over allowing myself to be used, abused and neglected by others but mainly, by me. I feel that I do owe an apology but only to myself. The pattern I have been living my whole life is toxic, it keeps me very small and makes me a doormat in every way imaginable. How could this serve anyone?? I'm living proof that it doesn't. Not at all.
In all honesty I think I used to 'blame' it on the beliefs I had with regards to religion. If I am the nicest, purest, kindest, un-selfish person in the world then surely I will be in Gods good books. It sounds a little ridiculous and sad to me now realizing that this is how I have lived my life. From as young as I can remember I have always stifled my complaints, my needs and qualms with regards to others and the world. Truly believing that if I ask for nothing I will be rewarded everything. And that isn't in a manifesting kind of way. Eg: I will exude positivity and positivity will return to me. More like: Asking for anything is bad, needing things are selfish. If I am as selfless as can be, only good can come of it. SPOILER ALERT that's a crock of shit. Anything but good has come from living this narrative.
I have lived each day as if I am locked in a prison cell.
I am the prison guard, the prisoner and the warden. All of whom are keeping their eyes on me, making sure I tow the line. The slightest resistance to feeling that I deserve better/more and I am reprimanded. Whether by removing enjoyable things from my life, creating a severe depressive episode or by isolating me from anyone and everyone. I am fully prepared for when I need to be punished but I am never ready to do the opposite. To have an understanding that life is what I make it and by continuing this seemingly never ending loop, I am, each day, reinforcing that the way I think is correct and that there is no need to change it.
My belief system has kept my world small, tiny, even. Resulting in me never striving for more. Never having goals or aspirations. I am left feeling like I don't really know who I am. Who am I without people pleasing? Who would I be if I were able to remove the unnecessary guilt that I carry with me constantly? What kind of life would I be living if I didn't always shun myself for daring to reach out my hands and ask for more? Without my guilt who the hell am I? I wish I could tell you. Stripping away all of the trauma, the programming, the laws that I force myself to live by, what could possibly be left? I feel like I cling to my guilt as if it were my best friend. It is knitted into who I am. The thought of losing a part of yourself is kinda scary - even when it is a negative part. Take one step out of your makeup routine and boy will you notice it. Take away a piece of yourself? Who knows what ramifications will occur.
Reflection
Pro-cras-ti-na-tion.
noun
the act of delaying something that must be done, often because it is unpleasant or boring
Story time...
my biggest relapse>>my biggest breakthrough
Or
I could tell you about what I learned from it all... And that's what I'm gonna do.
Too often I dwell on the negative. I let it control my feeling towards a situation and then completely take over - usually resulting in me relapsing. But this time feels a little different. While being in the dark scares me beyond belief, when I was in it, I understood that it wasn't going to last forever.
This part wasn't small either! My brother suggested it was like the relationship between Golem and Smeagle. A very nasty voice that would engulf me in darkness and make me believe that I was all alone.
I was having a pretty standard day today and while doing something that required no brain power, my mind wandered. And all of a sudden it came to me.
What I realized was that the part of me that I have always blamed for dragging me back, loves me and is scared. I think it is trying to protect me.
Part of the story line was the mother wants to protect her children from the dark world and in doing so attempts to do the unthinkable. She loves them more than anything and just wants them to be safe. (I'm not condoning this behaviour in the slightest, it just allowed me to have an insight into my own thinking)
It hit me on so many levels. It also made me think. In doing so I made a connection between what I had seen and my relationship with myself.
But I don't believe that anymore. I think when I am moving forwards, my mind reminds me of the bad times as a way of supporting me. Like "this could happen again, have you thought this through?" and "be careful". Trying to teach me how to use past mistakes or problems as a way to learn and keep going. It isn't a negative voice at all. It's an encouraging one.
I have always been looking after everyone which has at times left me feeling secluded. But I never would have thought that there was someone invested in me, watching over me, caring unconditionally: Me. I have been fighting for years to find a way to build a relationship with myself and all along there has always been a solid foundation inside me.
At times when I have felt completely alone, like no one in the world understands me, I had me. And I believe that maybe why it seemed to be so aggressive was because it was screaming out for me to listen to it. "I'm trying to help you!" "I'm trying to love you dammit".
It astounds me to think I ever thought of it as a negative part of my life. To think that I felt it was restricting me sounds crazy to me. I am beyond grateful. If it were another person I would feel forever indebted to them, while I do feel that, I think the only way to show true appreciation is to give that part of me room to grow. Nurture it and allow it to nurture me.
2am. tears, realizations and hot chocolate.
Well, the hot chocolate is calling. toodles! Xoxo
- the one edit i am making is that i watched the perfect man on netflix. which was a fantastic decision, as always ✌
