Reflection

Pro-cras-ti-na-tion.
noun
the act of delaying something that must be done, often because it is unpleasant or boring

Whose idea was it to come up with a word like this and make it so long and hard to say when you have no desire to do any of the 'stuff'.

I have scolded myself in the past for being “lazy, messy and disorganized” when I realize now I was possibly feeling uninspired, self sabotaging and maybe procrastinating.

These aren't dirty words and I feel that in this modern time I am hearing them more often.

But really upon closer inspection it boils down to not feeling amped to do something.

To me in doesn't necessarily mean going for that jog or booking in to see the gp. It can be anything. Most days the thought of putting my makeup on brings my blanket firmly over my head in bed and there it stays. And the chance that I do my makeup? 0/100. And lets face it, I LOVE makeup, it is one of my all time favourite things and yet in those moments it feels like a complete utter chore.

When I do give myself the kick up the bum I need and do full glam I feel amazing. We're talking “Helllllo guys, it's me, Nicky!”

-10 points to whatever hp house you are if you get the reference

But seriously I feel like a bazillion bucks. So why is it so hard to accomplish? 

Well

Story time...

I remember being 13 years old watching Dodgeball at the cinema for the first time

- i saw it twice at the cinema, dont come for me its a classic

and being shook.

- or whatever the 2003 equivalent was

Vince Vaughn was having a conversation and said the following 

It dawned on me that at a mere 13 years old that that had been my whole belief system on life.

- i was very mature, thanx trauma

This has been how I have looked at my life. I have a major fear of failure and by avoiding trying to succeed at, well, anything I have looked back feeling like I haven't failed.

What I am left with is a tonne of 'what ifs'. And do you know what that feels like? Somewhere in the neighbourhood of failing. 

So whether it is down to the self-sabotage, feeling uninspired or a little bit of procrastination I don't want to continue having this mindset. I mean, what has it really done for me so far? 

(I have a great life, I have amazing people in my life, somewhere to live, food and water. Please know I'm not complaining.❤)

What has this limiting mindset and set of beliefs cost me?

I so often look back at my 'old' YouTube videos, see the number of views and correspondence I had with people and think "What would have happened if I hadn't given up?"

- le sigh

More importantly, what would happen if I tried now? Sure, reflection is all gravy if you're using it for good. Rather than look back at times like "I wish this or I didn't try hard enough" I want to use it as inspiration. Kind of like a blueprint of what I don't want. And that's not me making anything wrong, it's acceptance of what was and looking at it from a grateful standpoint, feeling thankful for the lessons I have learnt from those experiences. 

A lot has happened over the years, a whole bunch of changes but here I am, ready for the next part of the journey. 

I recently watched a video by Kristi that really spoke to me, check it out if you relate at all to what has been shared in this post or if you just want to watch a totes amazing video ;)

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I also watched a video from a recent find of mine on YouTube, Stephanie Lyn Coaching. Spoiler alert, parenting yourself comes into the equation and I don't know about you but I totally need to start parenting myself properly, I mean, Mcdonalds for lunch and dinner? Yum but nonononononono xD

| Link |

Thank you so much for stopping by and reading, it means oh so much to me. I hope that you're taking really good care of yourself 💖

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Realizing That I've Slipped | Update on my Mental Health

So. I have been working full time for a month now and in some aspects, a whole lot has been going on whereas in other areas, a whole lot of nothing has been happening.

One day at work last week, I looked in a mirror and was taken aback at what I saw. Across my face all I could see was neglect.

Work has been tiring. No big surprise there! But I have drifted away from myself.

I work 12 hour shifts several days a week and I noticed that even on my days off, I feel lethargic, uninspired and to be honest, sad.

In a lot of ways I feel used up. Emotionally drained.

I mean, of course I'm a little worn out,

- bish i've been working really hard 😂💪

but it feels like it's more than that.

But when I actually paused for a second and gave myself the time to really think about it, I realized that over the last month I have done little to no self care. I haven't been checking in with myself. I get up, go to work, get home, eat dinner and go to bed. And that is my routine for half the week. I have had pretty much no time to do the things I enjoy. I end up having to choose between things like : see my friends or film and edit? Get an early-ish night or hang out with family?

I haven't been able to find the time to film videos or write blog posts which has made me feel like something is missing. I love filming, editing and writing so for that to not be a part of my week has been very hard. 

Yesterday was the first time in about two weeks that I did 'full glam'. It isn't all about the makeup, but makeup makes me feel like who I really am and not having had that in my life for some time, it has left me feeling unlike myself. As soon as I had done my makeup yesterday I felt completely different to how I have been feeling. I felt like a million bucks!💲💲

Taking all of this into consideration, is it really that surprising that there has been a disconnect?

Looking after myself and my mental health is a crucial part of my life and when I am not practicing that, I can feel the difference and it's a huge one.

As my family and friends have said to me this week, my mental health and happiness is what is important. I seem to have ignored that fact. Having only been working for four weeks, I am already placing my job higher on my list of priorities than myself and that is not okay with me.

I have spent much of my life putting myself at the bottom of my list. Over looking my mental health and my needs. Prioritizing anyone and everyone over me. Over the last year or so I began to learn to see myself, to hear what I really feel and think. I refuse to slip back into old, self destructive, damaging habits. I couldn't be happier that I have gotten to a place in my life and recovery where I am able to work, but I am not going to let my previous behaviors prevent me from looking after myself, my mental health and making sure I'm my number one priority.

Please don't think I am complaining about work. I honestly feel so proud and thankful that I have the opportunity to have a job, I am just struggling to find the middle ground with it all. But now that I realize that I am unhappy with the current circumstances, I feel like I am now able to really think about making some adjustments to have the best of everything. I believe we all deserve that 💗

I want to thank you so much for stopping by and for reading my post. I hope you're all taking really good care of yourselves 😊💞

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A Catch Up

Oh so many apologies for the radio silence on here. I shan't make excuses.
I thought my first proper post back in a while should be a bit of a catch up. Stand out points from the last couple of months or so 😊
Let's get into it shall we?

1. I got a job!! 🎉😃
I made the decision to look for work. After being out of work for almost four years, I feel like I am ready to get back out there. My OCD has improved so so much, I can barely remember what it was like to be so controlled by that I was unable to even get out of the house. Over the last four years all I have ever wanted was to be able to work. It was such a dream of mine which, at times, felt completely out of reach. It was just a dream. And now? I am starting a new chapter. I cannot put into words how excited I am! I am taking steps to improve my life and to grab it with both hands feels incredible 😭😍

2. Regular uploading on YouTube 🙊
Since Wednesday 27th June I have uploaded a video every Wednesday and Sunday! I have been on YouTube (on and off) since 2011 and this is the most consistent I have EVER been 😱 It feels amazing 😊 Creating videos has always been something I enjoy, the whole process from the filming to the editing to creating a thumbnail... I love every aspect of it. This past - almost - 2 months has felt exciting and completely natural. There were no jitters or awkward feelings when starting back up. It felt as though I hadn't had any breaks over the last few years. I am so happy to be back and back with a vengeance! 💪

3. Makeup 💄👀
Accompanying my return to YouTube my love of makeup has been reignited. It was always there but over the past 4 years it has become less of a fun hobby and more of a chore 😢
- who am i without gold eye shadow?!
It left me feeling like something was missing. A rather big part of me had been diminished to the point that it almost didn't interest me anymore. However... Since my OCD and mood have improved, it has created a place for all of the things I enjoy - makeup being the biggest one! My love for makeup has well and truly returned and it may sound cheesy, but I feel whole again 💖


And that brings me to today.
I have missed blogging. I feel that now that I am in a good routine with my YouTube channel, I feel ready to get back to my blog 😊💝

I want to thank you so much for stopping by and here's to more posts in the future 😁

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My Lumbar Puncture Experience

Today I am sharing my experience of having a lumbar puncture.

Please bare in mind that I am not a professional and that this post is only me sharing my thoughts and feelings on the procedure.

So.

In January I was made aware by my neurologist that I would need to go for a lumbar puncture at some point in the next few months.

Eeek.

At this point in my life my only knowledge of a lumbar puncture was what I had seen on House.

You know, people wincing and crying. GREEEEEEEAT -__-

After a short-ish wait, I got my appointment through.

It was about two-three weeks before the actual day of - which was enough time for me to contact anyone to ask any questions or to re-arrange it.

In the appointment letter I received a leaflet of what to expect and what was going to happen.

I had been advised by my neurologist that I may need to travel home by car as I may need to lay down.

I sorted out my transport and decided to get a lift home from the hospital.

My appointment was for 9am *crying inside* so I was up bright and early for a shower and planned enough time for me to have something small to eat and try to chill out before having to leave.

I had to take my letter(s) along with me and I decided to take a bottle of water as I had heard that I would need to make sure I was hydrated afterwards.

I had to have other tests on the day before my lumbar puncture,

but I'll leave those out of this post as I'd like to try to be as concise as I can about the lumbar puncture itself.

Before I knew it, it was time to have the lumbar puncture.

I was shown to a bed on the ward and only had to wait a very short time for the doctor to come.

She introduced herself and then began to ask me some questions regarding any medication I was on etc.

She asked me if anyone had spoken to me about the procedure to which I said no, so she then began to discuss it with me.

The steps of what was going to happen were explained to me and I felt in really good hands.

The doctor then went to get the equipment.

I was asked to lay down on my side, she helped me to make myself comfortable and got me in the correct position for her to perform it.

Obviously I couldn't see anything that was happening so I can only talk about what I felt.

I was asked to bring my knees up towards my chest and then she lifted the back of my top.

She then wiped my back – with whatever they use, like I said, I couldn't see it  xD

The doctor had to feel where my hips are

to which I obviously responded with “good luck with that!” x'D

she said that helps her find the correct area of my back.

I could feel as she was pushing against my vertebrae, again I assume to find the correct spot.

It felt uncomfortable, it didn't hurt, just a bit uncomfy.

Once she had done this several times she then said that she was going to start injecting the local anaesthetic, some more closer to the surface and some deeper inside so that I couldn't feel the procedure being done.

It felt like the sensation of a blood test – in my back though :/ - so I felt the sharp sting and it going inside.

I know that when I have a blood test, after the needle has settled in the vein I can't really feel it anymore, well that sensation lasted a little longer because I guess the needle had a little further to go.

After a short while, (with more feeling of my hips and vertebrae) she began with the lumbar puncture.

I felt a short shooting kind of pain in my left leg.

I had been aware that this may happen by the information leaflet and the doctor had informed me of this before we started.

I let her know, she asked which leg and said that it was good as it meant we were in the right place.

After a number of times of this happening I felt the pain stronger and for longer in my leg, I told her and she said that the fluid had begun to drain.

I found myself concentrating on my breathing as a distraction.

The pain didn't last very long after that, it became more of a dull ache.

She let me know when we were half way through which was nice to know.

I was only laying there like that for a further minute or two and then she said that we were finished.

Throughout I didn't feel pain in my back, it was only in my leg that I felt discomfort.

I was surprised by this as I had imagined that lumbar puncture is in the back = my back will hurt during.

I had to stay laying like that for a little while as she checked the area, she said that I wasn't bleeding so a plaster was applied.

I then had to lie down flat on my back for 30-45 minutes as it can help to lower the chance of a headache.

I actually saw the viles with the spinal fluid in which was pretty rad :)

I could feel the slightest ache in my back but nothing too bad at all.

After about 30 minutes another doctor came to give me a blood test and said that after another 10-15 minutes I could make my way home.

It was stressed to me before I left how important it was for me to drink water and to keep hydrated.

Fortunately for me I'm pretty good with my water intake so this wasn't a huge ask.

So then we headed home :)

I had been concerned about being able to shower the following morning and the doctor told me that that wouldn't be a problem and that

as I hadn't had any bleeding I would be able to remove the dressing and have a shower

woop woop

The rest of the day my back felt tender so I didn't sit back fully in the car on the way home I just sat to the side a bit and

the same for when I got home when sat on the sofa etc.

I didn't have any headache or backache bad enough for me to have to take any paracetamol.

I drank quite a lot of water as I had been advised, so I feel that that may have contributed to the lack of headache.

When I went to bed that night I slept on my side as my back was tender but I noticed that towards the wee hours of the morning

I was able to sleep on my back quite comfortably.

I got up the next day with a similar feeling in my back, mostly noticeable when bending etc. so I kept that to a minimum... bend with your knees xD

I took off the plaster and could only see a little red dot with a small amount of redness around it, no bruising 👍

The following day I continued to stay as hydrated as I humanly could.

I had the most wonderful shower, washed and dried the area carefully and was at home in my pjs for the day so I took it nice and easy.

The days after were continued improvements with the backache

(I wouldn't call it that is it wasn't enough to take anything for it, but I cant think of a better word for it).

At the time of writing this post I am 5 days post lumbar puncture and basically feel as though I never even had it.

The experience on the whole was much easier, straight forward and much less scary than I thought it was going to be.

Every doctor and nurse I came into contact with on that day were absolutely fantastic, warm and helpful and

they truly made me feel like I was in amazing hands... and I was :)

If I knew someone who was going to be having a lumbar puncture tomorrow, I would say that in my experience, yes it wasn't the nicest thing in the world but it was nowhere near as bad as I had convinced myself it would be.

On the whole it will be something I remember forever and if I ever have to have another one,

I wont be any where near as apprehensive or scared as I was this time :)

At the time of posting this, my lumbar puncture was almost 4 weeks ago and it's as if I never had it :)

I hope that someone, somewhere finds this helpful :D

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My MRI Experience

About a week before Christmas 2016 I had a Brain and Cervical Spine MRI.

I had gotten my appointment date through around mid-November so I had a while to prepare myself for the big day.

I always need to know the ins and outs of anything that's new to me. Whether it's appointments, meetups with people or even my feelings...

-yes, you read that right 😆

In the time leading up to it, I had been searching everywhere to find out what the process would be for the cervical spine scan to no avail. 

I was also curious to know what I would be allowed to wear.

My letter said to wear loose-fitting clothes such as tracksuit bottoms and a long-sleeved t-shirt,

but did that mean I would be able to wear those rather than a gown?

In the end, I found the whole process to be very straightforward and thought that as I had had questions,

I would share my experience to help anyone out there in the same boat as me.

Please bear in mind that I am in no way a professional, nor do I know all the lingo! I'm just a gal who had an MRI that one time 😄

So, I had a Brain and Cervical Spine MRI.

-a cervical what? I'll get into that in a bit...

When I got my appointment letter through, I received a survey to fill in to take along with me on the day.

It asked questions regarding if I have any metal inside my body etc. etc.

If you answered yes to a handful of the questions, you needed to contact them immediately so that they could assess what the next step was.

I didn't answer yes to those so I just took my survey along with me on the day, which they checked before I went into the machine.

I was asked to arrive 20 minutes before my appointment time.

My mum went with me and we only had to wait a little while before I was seen.

I met one of the people who did the scan, they asked me if I was wearing any metal.

I was wearing a bra with an under-wire and I had metal eyelets on my trainers. I let them know, they said I would need to remove my bra and told me where the individual changing rooms were to do so in private.

I was fine to leave my trainers on – I assume this was because my legs weren't inside the machine for the scan?

The whole process was then explained to me.

I was told that I was having a brain MRI and Cervical Spine MRI.

It was explained to me that my brain scan would take 20 minutes and my cervical spine scan would also take 20 minutes.

When discussing the cervical spine scan she motioned towards her neck.

-question answered... internal fist bump!

Both could be done with me in the same position, so I didn't have to reposition after the first set were done.

A grand total of laying in the machine for 40 minutes.

I was weighed before I went into the machine room

-tried not to pay attention to this bit

On the 'bed' there was the paper that you see in doctors’ rooms covering the part you lay on and there was a section built-in for your head to go on.

I sat down and they explained that I would need to lay down with my head in the specific part of the bed.

Once I was laying down, they placed noise-cancelling earbuds in my ears and a foam cushion under my knees to make me comfortable.

Then they added padding between my ears and the sides of the head section.

The top attachment part of it was then clipped on over my head and face.

I could clearly see-through, and while I was laying there I kept think about Ripley's loader?

*image source*

Except hers was way bigger, she had more room and looked 100 times more hardcore than me 😒

Thinking of this distracted me for a little while anyway xD

I was handed a button that I could squeeze if I needed any help.

And then in I went.

I knew beforehand that you have to lie as still as possible to get clear images, so I kept that in mind throughout.

The first 20 minutes of scanning were quick 'clicky' sounds so I found myself counting them to give myself something to do xD

The final 20 minutes were more murmuring noises so there wasn't anything for me to count so I just laid there.

Throughout there were some vibrations through the bed which I had been informed about before it started. To be honest I didn't really notice them.

I must say that it felt like half the time it took.

When I was being brought out, I thought “Is that it??”.

I sat up and removed the earbuds.

I was told that my consultant (neurologist) would have my results within 10 days :)

I was told through a family member who knew of people that had had an MRI that they experienced headaches for two days after, I was absolutely fine.

All in all, it was a very straightforward experience and I would now be more comfortable to have one if need be in the future.

Please be aware that this is just my experience with the whole process.

I know of someone who had an MRI in a different area of their body a few weeks before I had mine and they had to wear underwear, socks and a gown.

They also weren't sent the survey; they were asked the questions when they went for the appointment.

Based on our two experiences, it seems that it isn't a blueprinted procedure from hospital to hospital.

I found the whole experience to be straightforward and - minus my contamination OCD - easy.

If I need to have another one in the future I won't be anywhere near as nervous as I was this time around 🙏 

I hope that sharing my experience was helpful in some way :)

Thank you for stopping by, I really appreciate it xoxo

As always, sending you love and kickassery 😏💪💋💖

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