How I got where I am with my recovery | the music
In late 2013 I spent 3 months or so feeling very low. I have spoken about this before, and that's not what this post is about. After a while, I had had enough. I started taking care of myself. Building a relationship with myself and felt really, connected with who I was.
Now for why I'm mentioning it.
Over the last two years, but particularly the last 3 months, I have begun to repair my relationship with myself. And this time it feels different. I truly feel more like myself than ever. I mean, I was always me, but I can now see all of the things that I let get in my way. And mainly, it was myself. I stopped me from being who I really am.
So I thought I would share some things that have helped a bit along the way 😊
This first post is dedicated to the music.
Up until 2016 I was listening to sad broken heart kind of music which, of course, effected my mood.
- Toni Braxton unbreak my heart anyone?
Well, in 2017 I started listening to songs that, well, brought out my inner queen shall we say ;) And it didn't take long for me to notice such a change in my mood!
- shaking my ass while doing the dishes, you got it
I don't know about you but I feel like my super sassy self when listening to certain songs. Music also helps me to feel empowered too so here's my list...
1. The Middle - Lauren Alaina
*link*
I was in the shower one morning and I had my ipod on shuffle.
This song came on. I had never listened to it before, and had put it on there just cause.
As I was listening to the lyrics I felt a connection. I felt a change.
And to this day, I remember that moment as being the first of me choosing recovery 💖
2. Side To Side - Ariana Grande feat. Nicki Minaj
*link*
This was the first song I listened to that didn't make me feel sadder than I already did 🙈 When I heard it I was completely overcome with the need to listen to it over and over. It was like when Dorothy enters Oz and everything all of a sudden is in beautiful colours 😍 Yes, really.
3. Work From Home - Fifth Harmony
*link*
I'll tell you something, when I saw the music video for this I was sold. It's just magic 💗
This song was the first one I had listened to from these wonderful ladies and let's just say, it didn't stop there.
It makes me feel like I'm the boss, I'm in charge and I always end up dancing to it too 😁
4. Shoutout To My Ex - Little Mix
*link*
This song was so poignant 😅
It's such a fantastic combination of lyrics and beat. You try listening to this song and not feel uplifted... u can't haha!
Also, this song introduced me to modern day Little Mix and let me tell you, I am here for it!! 🙌
5. That's My Girl - Fifth Harmony
*link*
See? 😄
When this song was released I was like - yes! this is it, this is what i needed to hear! 💪
I listened to it non stop.
6. Sorry Not Sorry - Demi Lovato
*link*
The title says it all really 😆
It kind of felt like me and Demi (apparently we're on first name basis lolz) got this surge of badassness at the same time and it feels good 😎
Love her so so so much and this song only made that love even stronger.
7. I Belong To Me - Jessica Simpson
*link*
Yes. Jessica Simpson. This song has been with me for a whole lotta years and tears.
It has a very real, very large part in my heart.
"love don't mean changing who you are to be who somebody want you to be".
That hits deeeeep. 💕
8. Power - Little Mix
*link*
How could this not be in my list??!!
Man oh man this song gives me all feels and empowerment needed.
9. Miss Me More - Kelsea Ballerini
*link*
This song is 💯
Getting to know myself again and I really did miss me more 💁😉
10. Maria - Christina Aguilera
*link*
A recent release but a song I listen to almost every day.
I relate to this journey so so much.
The whole Liberation album is 👌 but this song means a great deal to me.
Getting to this point in my recovery has been one heck of a process but I really feel that music has helped me along the way.
I hope that you found this helpful in some way and thank you so much for stopping by :)
Reclaiming Me : Part One
Around 2010/11 I watched a Pixiwoo video, and then that was it. I had caught the bug.
- i think it may have been this one 💋
I found MAC. I used to spend agessss looking at all of the eye shadows colours 😍😍 It wasn't long until I owned a 15 pan palette of MAC eye shadows and some of their brushes. The thing was, I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it. I lived with men and even chatting to mum could only go so far without chewing her ear off 😂 So one day I used a webcam and filmed a 'June favourites'. And before I knew it, I was planning on other videos. I started my YouTube channel and I had no idea how much I was going to enjoy it. Only a few months after that, I started my blog.
At that time I was in a long-term relationship, I was a full time carer to my then boyfriend which meant I worked from home. I was able to fit blogging and YouTubing around my work life, family time and all the other stuff 😏 Then that led to me buying a camcorder. By this time my collection was growing and growing. I was in love. And sharing it online made me feel great because there were tonnes of people talking about it too. I didn't feel alone in my love for cosmetics 😃
At the end of 2013, my relationship ended and as a result, I was without a job and had to move back home. Within a few days we reconciled but I made the decision to stay living at home and (at some point) look for work. I was pretty broken, I'm not going to lie. For three months I stayed at home, living in my pj's, watching bad tv and crying. Even though I was glad to have my relationship, I felt like I had shattered into a million pieces. It wasn't until this time that I realized that I hadn't really felt like me for a long time. It took for me to not have a lot of things (and people) to focus on for me to see how low and lost I felt.
By the time November/December came around, I had had enough. I call this my 'mini epiphany'. I started to look after myself, practice self care and looked for a job. By Christmas I was working in a shop. In the beginning I felt great. I started to make content for the blog and I began uploading videos again. Over the next 4 months or so, I lost my ability to cope with everyday things and had become consumed by OCD. It resulted in me having to leave. I had moved back in with my boyfriend and over the course of 2014, my mental health deteriorated with my OCD worsening. By the end of that year, he ended the relationship, this time for good. In a way it all felt so familiar to me, back at home, no job, no boyfriend. But this time rather than me having a blank space, I had OCD to keep me company, something for me to focus on.
I have 'tried' over the years to continue with YouTube and blogging but it was half-hearted and not what it once was. Makeup became something I felt I had to put on when seeing people so that I didn't look how I felt. The enjoyment had disappeared. Looking back, it's hard to think of that time. It was painful but also was the beginning of me truly losing myself. With most things, I gave up. I felt in nearly every way possible, completely lost and raw.
And here we are.
Looking back, it feels like most aspects of my life over the last five years have been obliterated. And now I'm looking all around me, I'm seeing the people who are still here, noticing the people who aren't. Trying to pick up the parts that survived and working out what I need to build from scratch. Grabbing all of the important bits but leaving the ashes of what are no longer needed. I'm seeing little shoots growing up through the earth, reaching up begging to be cared for.
I've realized that my world wasn't in another person. I know this because when it felt like my world had ended, I am still here, and they are not.
My world is exactly that, mine.
It's 2018. My love of makeup, making videos and blogging are some of the parts I have picked up. They are part of what makes me, me. A scared part of me made me believe that they weren't who I am but I am coming to realize that that was a load of rubbish. I sacrificed those parts of me - unknowingly - to aid my OCD and depression and it makes me sick to know that. I have made myself as small and inconspicuous as possible in the hopes that it would mean my world wouldn't end again. But you know what? Maybe it has felt like my world has ended but it starts up again, as long as I allow it to. I can't stomach feeling like I'm standing in my own way. I have been watching some of my older videos on YouTube and it fills me with both happiness and sadness. She was so full of life, doing what she loved to do. It hurts me to know that I am the only thing stopping that from being my reality again.
In recent weeks, I have begun to feel that familiar feeling. New palettes I want to buy, testing out new eye shadow combinations, wanting to film videos. I feel like me. I know makeup doesn't solve everything, but it is who I am at my core. It is a part of me that I pretended wasn't there and in doing so, cause some damage. I'm looking around at the world I am creating and it feels like this is how it always should have looked - looking after myself and doing the things I enjoy. I am curious like the woman who stumbled across a Pixiwoo video, who was mesmerized by all of the MAC eye shadow choices. The woman who actively chatted to fellow makeup enthusiasts, who felt like it was Christmas morning standing at her first IMATS. She has survived, she's just been buried for a long time. Now I am finally allowing her to come to the surface, where she was always meant to be.
This is the first part of me I am reclaiming 💖🚀
- i think it may have been this one 💋
I found MAC. I used to spend agessss looking at all of the eye shadows colours 😍😍 It wasn't long until I owned a 15 pan palette of MAC eye shadows and some of their brushes. The thing was, I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it. I lived with men and even chatting to mum could only go so far without chewing her ear off 😂 So one day I used a webcam and filmed a 'June favourites'. And before I knew it, I was planning on other videos. I started my YouTube channel and I had no idea how much I was going to enjoy it. Only a few months after that, I started my blog.
At that time I was in a long-term relationship, I was a full time carer to my then boyfriend which meant I worked from home. I was able to fit blogging and YouTubing around my work life, family time and all the other stuff 😏 Then that led to me buying a camcorder. By this time my collection was growing and growing. I was in love. And sharing it online made me feel great because there were tonnes of people talking about it too. I didn't feel alone in my love for cosmetics 😃
At the end of 2013, my relationship ended and as a result, I was without a job and had to move back home. Within a few days we reconciled but I made the decision to stay living at home and (at some point) look for work. I was pretty broken, I'm not going to lie. For three months I stayed at home, living in my pj's, watching bad tv and crying. Even though I was glad to have my relationship, I felt like I had shattered into a million pieces. It wasn't until this time that I realized that I hadn't really felt like me for a long time. It took for me to not have a lot of things (and people) to focus on for me to see how low and lost I felt.
By the time November/December came around, I had had enough. I call this my 'mini epiphany'. I started to look after myself, practice self care and looked for a job. By Christmas I was working in a shop. In the beginning I felt great. I started to make content for the blog and I began uploading videos again. Over the next 4 months or so, I lost my ability to cope with everyday things and had become consumed by OCD. It resulted in me having to leave. I had moved back in with my boyfriend and over the course of 2014, my mental health deteriorated with my OCD worsening. By the end of that year, he ended the relationship, this time for good. In a way it all felt so familiar to me, back at home, no job, no boyfriend. But this time rather than me having a blank space, I had OCD to keep me company, something for me to focus on.
I have 'tried' over the years to continue with YouTube and blogging but it was half-hearted and not what it once was. Makeup became something I felt I had to put on when seeing people so that I didn't look how I felt. The enjoyment had disappeared. Looking back, it's hard to think of that time. It was painful but also was the beginning of me truly losing myself. With most things, I gave up. I felt in nearly every way possible, completely lost and raw.
And here we are.
Looking back, it feels like most aspects of my life over the last five years have been obliterated. And now I'm looking all around me, I'm seeing the people who are still here, noticing the people who aren't. Trying to pick up the parts that survived and working out what I need to build from scratch. Grabbing all of the important bits but leaving the ashes of what are no longer needed. I'm seeing little shoots growing up through the earth, reaching up begging to be cared for.
I've realized that my world wasn't in another person. I know this because when it felt like my world had ended, I am still here, and they are not.
My world is exactly that, mine.
It's 2018. My love of makeup, making videos and blogging are some of the parts I have picked up. They are part of what makes me, me. A scared part of me made me believe that they weren't who I am but I am coming to realize that that was a load of rubbish. I sacrificed those parts of me - unknowingly - to aid my OCD and depression and it makes me sick to know that. I have made myself as small and inconspicuous as possible in the hopes that it would mean my world wouldn't end again. But you know what? Maybe it has felt like my world has ended but it starts up again, as long as I allow it to. I can't stomach feeling like I'm standing in my own way. I have been watching some of my older videos on YouTube and it fills me with both happiness and sadness. She was so full of life, doing what she loved to do. It hurts me to know that I am the only thing stopping that from being my reality again.
In recent weeks, I have begun to feel that familiar feeling. New palettes I want to buy, testing out new eye shadow combinations, wanting to film videos. I feel like me. I know makeup doesn't solve everything, but it is who I am at my core. It is a part of me that I pretended wasn't there and in doing so, cause some damage. I'm looking around at the world I am creating and it feels like this is how it always should have looked - looking after myself and doing the things I enjoy. I am curious like the woman who stumbled across a Pixiwoo video, who was mesmerized by all of the MAC eye shadow choices. The woman who actively chatted to fellow makeup enthusiasts, who felt like it was Christmas morning standing at her first IMATS. She has survived, she's just been buried for a long time. Now I am finally allowing her to come to the surface, where she was always meant to be.
This is the first part of me I am reclaiming 💖🚀
Finding Noo.
Just like the seasons, I have over
time, changed.
I've come to learn in the last year or
so, that I have many parts that make me, me.
When looking back at my life so far, I
have seen many transformations. Each of them have been brought on by
me not feeling that who I was was okay, even when I felt the most
myself. I felt like I was too much. I took up too much space. I was
selfish.
When it comes to my relationships with
others, I often become what I feel/know they need. I take on a persona. I create
what is needed for them. The most I can do for me is to be as happy
as possible in the situation.
In my last relationship, I
(unknowingly) created another 'me'. I became masculine. Cold.
Distant. Guarded. Robot-like. When I felt emotional, I viewed it as a
weakness.
Unfortunately, after the relationship
ended that personality was so ingrained that it stayed.
Previous to the relationship I was
soft. Sure of myself. I knew who I was.
I have been living for the last 10
years or so as someone who isn't me. I have felt around the age of
60. I'm tired a lot of the time. Always on high alert for the next
thing to go wrong. Ready to jump to the worst case scenario. Staying
in my pyjamas all day, doing the same nothing day in and day out. I
have felt incredibly lonely. So, so sad. Unable to prioritize myself
in any way.
I think this part was created to keep
me in check. To create control over as much as possible. To replace
every part of me that previously existed. Those parts all still here,
but have little time to be a part of my life. You know what the
ironic thing is though? All of the things I thought I had control
over, I had no control whatsoever!
While I'm sure this was what I needed
at the time, it's definitely time to move on. I have much to unlearn, many things that need to be deprogrammed. Finding Noo is exactly what I've been doing so far in 2018, searching for all the parts of me that have been pushed aside for so long. There are so many personalities that make me, me. The one who's been running the show deserves to retire and rest up while the others can start living again 😏
Here, I am documenting my journey to finding me, creating the life I've always wanted and sharing my favourite things too!
- have you seen the Jaclyn Hill Vault coming soon?!?!
I am feeling more like myself every day which feels... Wonderful. I know I deserve to give myself the love and attention I so freely give to others.
Let's do this 💖
Thank you for stopping by 😊
I Never Thought I'd Be Back Here.
I wish there was a lovely reason for why I haven't been blogging (or youtubing, or tweeting etc.), it would be so much easier. “Sorry! I had to nip to the shop to grab some Monster Munch ...and it took me 6 months :D”. Alas, that isn't why.
I have spent most of the last six months isolating myself. To be completely honest, I've felt like pure trash. At times, it has been physically exhausting to smile. As if to smile would mean that I was okay, when all I could feel was anything but. In truth, I felt alone, unimportant and neglected. I was engulfed by a feeling that no one was really listening to me. That I was screaming but no one could hear me. I am surrounded by loving family and friends so how could this be? It has felt at times, reminiscent of my 3 month episode of low mood and feeling completely lost in 2013. But upon closer examination, back then I was fairly numb to it all. Lately I have been feeling everything.
I feel it coming like an eclipse, all of a sudden I am in a place where joy cannot exist and recovery is just a fairytale. I struggle to get up in the morning, my contamination OCD often being the only thing that pushes me to get out of bed and have a shower. My hair gets scraped damp into a bun, fresh pyjamas, fluffy sock and slippers and that is my uniform. Often heading downstairs to start my day around 10:30am. Pretty much from then until bed time is spent filling myself with crisps, biscuits and tea. It's kind of like ground hog day with appointments and family visits thrown into the mix.
I never thought I'd be back here, especially to a worse degree.
I never thought I'd be back here, especially to a worse degree.
I remember one evening in 2013 after three months of feeling low and sorry for myself, I had decided to take a shower before bed. I was standing under the water and I started thinking about my relationship with myself. 5 years previously I was working out, going to the hairdressers to have my highlights re-done every 6 weeks like clockwork, having my nails done, seeing friends, giving myself facials, taking pride in my appearance... Then there I was. Struggling to even get up at a reasonable hour, I didn't have any friends (except my family and then boyfriend), pampering myself seemed completely foreign to me. Right then and there I got out my Soap and Glory body scrub and scrubbed the heck out of my skin. The smell familiar, sweet. After my shower I applied my Soap and Glory Righteous butter all over my body, put on some fresh pyjama's and felt incredible. In the years that have past, I have referred to this as 'my epiphany'.
After this I strived to work on myself. I took back control over my situation, I didn't just wander through my life anymore, I grabbed life with both hands. I began to create a great relationship with myself. I practised self care, got a new job, began to eat a little better, got fresh air, made new friends. By 2014, I had started planning and creating content on my blog and YouTube channel. I was really, really happy. It's the strangest thing, when I think of 'who I am', I always think back to that brief six months or so when I started to truly love myself. I remember that for Christmas '13 I was given the Naked 3 palette, I was totally over the moon (those shades tho <3) and I used every single shade, created looks with them and then did a very detailed review on my blog and YouTube channel. I was so proud, and I was so happy with the fact that I had done so with such ease and enjoyment.
The rest of that year consisted of an OCD diagnosis, the breakup of my 6 year relationship and me falling back into familiar habits – staying up until 3-4am, getting up past mid day, wearing pyjama's, not seeing friends, over-eating, becoming distant with my family, watching poo TV. This time, OCD and anxiety were thrown into the mix so that played right into me struggling to go out and talking to anyone and everyone.
No amount of self care will fix why I keep looping back round like this. I could have a glorious pamper day and wake up the following day struggling to work up the energy to get out of bed. This cycle of behaviour has really cemented a number of things for me. Firstly, the path to where I am now and what started it all off in 2013 were practically identical. For whatever reason, at the end of 2013 and the end of 2014 I was left to my own devices mentally. I had no job, I was spending a lot of time at home and all I had to focus on was the pain, loneliness I felt, going over everything day in and day out, feeling like I had nothing to give my attention. The difference is that 5 years ago I decided to do something about it. I picked myself up off of the floor and went on a mission to create an incredible bond with myself. Right now, I am doing exactly what I have been doing for the last four years. Day in, day out. I have literally become a prisoner in my own home... Both house and mind.
This loop I have been on has also shown me in greater detail something that I've always been aware of, at varying degrees, but have never really paid it the attention it clearly needs. I have a tendency to put other people before myself. I've always felt that that was a good thing, a great trait to have. I put others' needs before my own while growing up, I became a full time carer to my (now ex) partner for years and in recent years have taken on more than I need to when it comes to those close to me. I end up exhausted because of an issue that someone else is having, even when it doesn't involve me. Call it a people pleaser, call it whatever you like but doing it to the degree I take it has caused me damage. Self inflicted pain. Being there for people is great, in portions. I feel that I have used this to fill the gap I have in my life. It's caused me to think 'if I fill up my time with everyone else, there simply isn't enough space for me'.
It has felt easier to distract myself by focusing on everyone and everything other than me. I feel scared for it to just be me and me. I have spent my life trying to cater to everyone's needs, placing them before myself. The last six months of feeling like I am unimportant and that no one is listening is all true, except, I'm the one who hasn't been listening. I have made myself completely unimportant and have neglected myself to a degree I didn't even realize. I know what to do when someone is crying or down, but when it comes to me? I push it aside and do my best to ignore it. I would never do that to someone so why is it acceptable to treat myself that way? What I do know is, I can't keep this cycle going. I cannot keep treating myself and my life like it doesn't matter and isn't important, because contrary to what I have taught myself, my life is important and I am important.
I think about that epiphany often, with such admiration for who I was at that time in my life. I am so proud of what I did. I took a leap of faith, I made a decision that bettered my life and began to make a beautiful bond with myself. Just looking back at the last four years, even in the grip of my OCD and anxiety, struggling to get out of bed, having zero motivation, every now and then something wonderful happens. The 2014 me, the plucky, go getter who knows what she wants, who enjoys her life shows up. It can be from the moment I open my eyes in the morning or even mid way through a fairly ground hog-ish kind of day and I feel it. Suddenly I feel energized, have motivation, chatting away with family and friends, cracking jokes, practising self care and having a truly beautiful outlook on the future. Sometimes she sticks around for a day or at times a week or two. Each time that she fades away I am saddened. It's as if she pokes her head out to remind me that she's still there. And it reminds me that I have let myself be totally eclipsed from my own life.
A LOT has happened since 2014, it seems like a lifetime ago! But that person I was has always been a constant in my life. She may have been buried very, very deep at times but she always manages to push through ...even if it is just for a Tuesday on an otherwise very gloomy week. I feel like if the last 6 months – or 5 years! - have taught me anything it's that, if left unattended, my mind will always drift back to harmful, unproductive ways. It will block out the sun and I will be forgotten all over again. It has also shown me that when I think of who I am, I don't think of the person who hides away and makes everyone else number one. I think of me 5 years ago, I finally gave her the space she needed and she spread her wings and flew. She is me, I just haven't allowed her the room she needs. I feel that my recovery should be a constant focus in my life, the thing I pay most attention to because with it comes everything I could ever dream of. In concentrating on myself and my recovery, I gain an amazing relationship with myself, which then leads to endless opportunities : self care, happiness, creativity, improved relationships with people...
So no more scrunching myself up, hiding from the world, putting myself at the bottom of my list. I am allowing my true self to step forward and give myself as much space and attention as I need to live my life the way I set out to. I owe it to me 💖😍
